Instead of a figure update, or whimsical game reviews, I

bring you all a cautionary tale and a recollection of the tragic events that

have halted my progress in the realm of miniature painting.

These are two cans of primer, side by side. The only difference is that one is covered in dust 

and empty, and the other one is immaculate. (But also empty.) The dusty leftmost one

is the can of primer that served me through last summer, priming regiment upon regiment, not to

mention the odd terrain piece. The one on the right, equally used up, lasted me barely through last month.

As it happens, the instructions on the labels are meant to be taken seriously. When it says to prime in

warm temperatures, you really should take that advice. Unfortunately, I live in a climate where

wooly mammoths are still occasionally sighted and the minions of Ithaqua hold their annual demon summoning/sledding party in the local park.

Actual, honest-to-God photo of the event.

In short, we have a pretty cold, long winter. My lack of any indoor location to prime means

I must don my anti-yeti snowgear and trot outside with as many minis as I can carry in one hand and

my primer in the other. The cold will instantly screw up the primer, and the can will spray tiny, pathetic amounts of white paint onto your minis at the slowest rate imaginable. I expended half of the whole can on three figures. I then left them to dry in the garage, as my Mom otherwise complains about the scent. As it happens, cold also seems to mess up the actual drying of the paint. The result is many poorly primed minis and a loss of both savings and dignity. My solution? Heat the primer a bit beforehand (But be super careful given that it WILL explode violently if you put it in front of a fire or something like an idiot), and then move to a warmer climate or just prime in the summer.

So why do you care? Well, I was going to give you all a step-by-step on the creation of a banner with a   nice icon, but my very badly primed standard bearer says otherwise.

I had to thicken the paints way beyond what anyone should be comfortable with just to get them to stick to the darn model, and the layers are very uneven and bad looking. The detail is pretty much gone (Though as a bare stretch of cloth that's not so pressing a concern), and the paint behaves about as well as an anarchist tomcat with ADHD. You see the little speckles on the un"painted" bits? Yeah, that's the only primer. Speckles. Needless to say it will take several more layers and quite a bit of remorse before I'm ready to do any sort of freehand on this abomination. With this in mind, and keeping loyal to my sense of obligation to my viewers, I present you an alternative tutorial.

STEP ONE: OPEN IMAGE EDITOR

STEP TWO: IMPORT PICTURE OF BANNER

STEP THREE: CREATE DESIRED LIVERY FOR

YOUR NOBLE WARRIORS' BATTLE STANDARD. BE SURE TO

MISSPELL "ELVES"

STEP FOUR: ALWAYS MAKE SURE THIS IS UP AND RUNNING BEFORE YOU

PRIME ANYTHING.

I hope to not to ruin everything as badly with the can of primer I picked up today at Misty Hollow. If I succeed in this endeavor, you all should see regular content back again nest week.

Take care!